Today is where your book begins, and the best is still unwritten...<3

how do you measure, measure a year?

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 18:58:32 GMT

When I think back on this year I can't believe how much has changed. I alone have changed so much in just these past 12 months. The Amanda from a year ago wouldn't even recognize me now. I've become a completely different person, a better person, most of the credit for which goes to the people I now have in my life. I never thought I would have friends like the ones I have now. I guess that would be because throughout this year I learned, among many other things, that the people I thought were "real friends" weren't and I didn't even know what real friends were until these amazing people came into my life. I now have a group of friends that are simply wonderful and a lot of people will live their whole lives and never have one friendship that compares to the friendships I have with all of my friends. I'm lucky to have these people.

If I had to sum up the way I feel about the passing year I would say this... I've had better, but I've had worse. This year hasn't been that easy for me, but through the hard times I learned a lot, not only about the world and other people but about myself too. I think I went into this year searching for a part of me that wasn't really there. I spent so much time focusing on being who everyone thought I was I forgot that I was allowed to change and grow. I never focused on who I really was and all the things that made me who I am. I built up this picture in my head of everything I had to be and in that picture there wasn't room for anything else.

Since then I've torn that picture down and thrown it away. I'm making a new one, but it’s not done because one of the things I've learned this year is that your picture... it shouldn't be done. People never stop growing and changing. You'll never get it perfect on the first try and that's ok because perfect is not real and I do not have to try and make it reality. Change isn't always bad, sometimes it’s needed. If you’re open to change it can add to who you are. But you have to be ready to allow things to happen. Honestly the truth is whether you allow life to happen or not, it’s going to. The more prepared you are for it the better off you'll be. You can try and fight it but that's only going to make you more miserable along the way.

I think back to January and I think about how different everything was. I was someone I don't even know now and I thought I would never change. I was too scared to face things on my own and I was even more afraid to let anyone help me. The funny part about that was, not too many people were pushing to get in my bubble.

When I look back through this passing year the first thing I think of are the people that have changed everything....

Somehow I just think me and Autumn were meant to find our way back to each other. She is honestly one of the best friends I have ever had and I don't think there is anyone else that is quite like her. I've never met someone so passionate about everything in her life, especially the people in it. Her passion for everything rubs off on anyone and everything she comes in contact with. I'm not even kidding the girl is always smiling. At the beginning of this year Autumn and I were the kind of friends that you see in the hall and smile and wave to or the kind of friend you call when you really need something. I never imagined we'd become what we are now. We’re inseparable, for the second time in our lives. However this time I don't think either one of us would let each other go for anything else in the world.

In Casey I found something I never expected to find. Keeping things inside was something I did best. There were secrets I had I honestly thought I would take to my grave, simply because I thought holding things inside was easier. I thought crying was a sign of weakness. Then I met someone that cared so much I had to let him in. Unlike anyone else in my life he pushed and pushed until I confided in him and when I did I knew I could trust him. He’s become my outlet and my best friend. He’s always concerned and he always cares. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone with a bigger heart. I don’t know what I would do without Casey. I don’t even want to try and imagine where I would be without him in my life. He keeps me in check and he makes me laugh when I don’t think I can. He listens to my senseless babble and then when there is nothing else he can do he holds onto me and lets me cry on his shoulder, he makes me feel safe. I could ask for a better friend and if I have anything to say about it I’ll never have to.

Alex and I have been close for a while now. Throughout this year we’ve been close and distant. We’ve had our share of fights and disagreements; I think that’s what makes us so close. Our fights made our friendship stronger but I know Alex would rope the moon for me if I really needed him to. That’s one of the many things that makes Alex so amazing. He’s always willing to go above and beyond for you. Unfortunately some people take him for granted because of this but I couldn’t be more grateful. Alex takes care of me, he’s like my big brother and I love him to death. I’m really going to miss him when he leaves me.

Kristi is another one I’ve known forever and we have defiantly had our share of bad times but see the thing about Kristi is I never once thought we wouldn’t be friends again because with Kristi I know that she’ll always be there. We could be in the middle of a fight or we could not speak for months but if I call her and say…
“Kristi, make me laugh”
She’ll say…
“Amanda, I’m gay”
…and I’ll laugh forever.
She’s just amazing like that. We’ve always been able to get through everything that life has thrown at us and trust me life has thrown quite a bit at me and Kristi but I love the girl to death. She makes me laugh like nobody’s business and we’re always there for each other when it’s important. But that’s what being a sister is all about and to me that’s what Kristi is. She’s the sister I never had and I don’t think anyone could do a better job at being one.

Shannon is someone that can ALWAYS make me laugh no matter what is getting to me. I never thought the two of us would become as close as we have but the thing about Shannon is he hates to see anyone sad. He’ll do whatever it takes to make you laugh and even when nothings wrong he’s making you laugh. He’s so much fun to be around. I can’t ever remember a time when I was with him and not laughing. He seems to come into a place, stir up commotion and then tip toe out laughing. But the thing is I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way because without Shannon my life would be a lot more boring. He not only makes me laugh but he looks out for me and we have the best talks. Shannon can be silly and carefree but he has a good heart, as all my friends do. If he knows you need to talk he’s not shy about letting and he always will throw some sort of advice at you whether it’s real advice or just something that will make you laugh. I know Shannon has made my year a lot more enjoyable and I’m real glad he was a big part of it.

Mandy doesn’t know how amazing she really is and that’s ashamed because she is one of the most incredible people I have ever had the privilege of getting to know. Through this year we have gotten to know each other better and become close. I think I’d be a little lost without her. She cares so much about everyone that she makes you feel like you can always turn to her and I’m so lucky to have a friend like that. My wish for her this year is that she can see through to how completely awesome she is and how much she DOES deserve to be happy without people getting her down. I love that girl to pieces.

Kyle and I were close last year but not nearly as close as we have become. He’s become my go to kid. When I’m having a rough time he usually gives me hope and provides me with advice. Because of Kyle I still have hope in humanity. He’s one of the most amazing people I know but he’ll never admit that and he hates hearing it too, he’s stubborn and a buttface sometimes but he’s also someone I couldn’t live without. He makes me see the good and the bad in the world and everyone needs someone like that in their life.

Kaitlynn is someone new. She’s something good that 2005 has brought to me. If you don’t know Kaitlynn then you’re missing out. She doesn’t think so but trust me I know so. She has this smile and when she smiles at you, you can’t help but smile back. She’s naive and young but I love that about her. She cares about everything and everyone, even people that have put her down. She thinks way too little of herself and she never gives herself enough credit. She’s smart girl and a pretty girl and she doesn’t see that at all. I have a wish for her this year as well. I want her to be able to see through all the past experiences she’s had with people and I want her to see how truly amazing she really is. I know that it could take forever for her to see that if she ever does and if she doesn’t that’s sad but I want her to know this. I think she’s amazing and pretty and smart and funny and everything that a good friend should be. I want her to know my opinion and I want her to carry it with her wherever she goes. Because that girl is stronger than she thinks and smarter than she knows and no matter what I will always be right by her side to help her through everything. When she can’t make it I’ll carry her until she can get back on her feet. She’s someone that deserves to see who she really is and I’m so glad she is a part of my life. I’d be lost without her bright shinning smile. I love my Kaitlynn more than life.

Most of the people above became a BIG part of my life around May. It started as something simple. It was just five friends watching Phantom and that turned into an every Friday event. Sometimes thinking about Friday was what got me through the week. My MovieNights<3 and my MovieNight<3 Crew have helped to make everything that was good about this year. Some of the best memories I have I have had with them. There have been so many laughs and tears and they were there for it all.

That’s what is so amazing about my group of friends, we all care so much about each other. Sometimes I feel closer to them then I do with my own family. In a lot of ways they have become my family. We all take care of each other and when someone is sad we all pile on top of them until we can find a way to make them smile. With people like my friends it’s hard not to smile.

Sure there have been friendships lost and bad experience throughout this year but if there is one thing I’ve learned about this year and about life in general it’s this, measure you’re life in love. I know that probably sounds really cheesy but it’s the honest to god truth.

Bad things happen. You’re probably going to cry just as much as you laugh and you know sometimes unfair things are going to happen but that doesn’t mean you have nothing. Count up the people that love you, the people you love because as long as you have that to hold onto you’re going to be ok and I can say that from personal experience.

The world isn’t always nice and sometimes it can be a scary place. But I know when I feel like the rains never going to stop I have people that are there, people that dry my tears and make me smile, people that show me the rainbows coming after the rain. I know that as long as I have that everything is going to be ok and it’s my hope that 2006 will be full of just as many good memories and hopefully only half as much bad.

Now if you’re still reading this you really deserve something special.
Oh and this will be my last entry in this livejournal simply because I don’t like the memories that as in it and I want to go with the new year and “start a new” so if you read my livejournal feel free to add my new one measureinlove06.

everylight in the house is on, in case you ever do get tired of being gone....

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 04:05:47 GMT

So it's Christmas Eve and the only thing I really want no one can give me and the person who can for some reason, won't...

I just want you to come home :(

Reality hurts more than I expected it to.

...I hope everyone has a MerryChristmas though and I hope you all get everything you ask for.

and I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself....

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 02:29:08 GMT

I'm famous for the words oh life..

I say it all the god damn time and when I do say it what I'm actully saying is...

Oh life I fucking hate you!!!!!!!!!!

...and you know sometimes I think I actully do "fucking hate" life. The past few weeks have been hell. It really is like I'm in a story or a movie and I can't escape. I don't want to get into the details because if you need to know whats going on you already do, and thats not the point of this entry. The point is.. by all rights I should hate life sometimes but I can't.

I can't hate life because I honestly have the BEST people in my life. People that I know love me no matter what is going on. People that I know I can always count on to be there for me when I need them. People that always care, ALWAYS without being told to. People that put up with my tears and my laughter and my mood swings and my family. People that truely enjoy being around me. I have people that are just simply amazing.

I have friends that are so great they gave me my own Christmas because they knew I wasn't going to have one. I have friends that hear or see me cry and instantly want to make it better. I have friends that wanted to get me something special and I loved it a lot. I have friends that make me laugh til I cry and when I cry make me laugh. I have friends that will relentlessly make themselves look real stupid just to get a smile. You can't tell me your friends are better.

Honestly I don't think anyone in the world does have better friends.

They all make me happy in their own way...

Autumn brings this hope and faith to everything because she always has it, not so much when it comes to her but when it comes to other people she always has hope

Casey will hug you and hold you until he knows you're ok, he always makes me feel so safe.

Shannon WILL make you laugh, usually he makes me laugh by tickling me so much I feel like I'm going to pee my pants.

Kyle is just.. Kyle I don't even know what to say.. he's just that amazing.

Kaitlynn has this smile and when she smiles you can't help but smile back. She makes me smile even when I think smiling is impossible.

Mandy is another one I don't even know what to say about. She's too completely awsome to put into words.

Alex is comforting and he can make you feel like everything is going to be ok. Plus he then acts like a complete moron and you just have to laugh ang hug him.

...and then there's Kristi who will just make you laugh so hard you have to be ok.

..they're all different but they have a few things in common, they care more than any other people I have ever met. They make me happy to be alive everyday and they all have good hearts. I couldn't live without any of them.

Some people spend their whole lives and don't find one really amazing true friend, I'm only 17 and I have a whole group of really amazing true friends. I don't think I could ask for much more.

Thanks for being amazing guys. I love my big happy amish family!

..and you know sometimes I actully love living. Like being in Casey's house last night and knowing I'm anything but unloved. Christmas Parties and MovieNights<3 are my life. Just like my simply amazing friends.

OH OH OH and thanks for the presents.

|ps| Case I still am going to steal your blanket back.. and your pilliow Cookies ;)

I can't stand another fight, and nothing's alright....

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 23:56:22 GMT

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
<s>I'm alright</s>
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
<s>I can't be perfect</s>
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
<s>I can't be perfect</s>

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And <s>nothing's alright</s>

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
<s>I can't be perfect</s>
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
<s>I can't be perfect</s>

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
<s>I can't be perfect</s>
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
<s>I can't be perfect</s>

Thats about it, in a nutshell.
I just want things to be normal again.
Ugh life.

I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known....

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 02:23:30 GMT

This is for the ones who believe their lives won't change
Hoping that someday things will mend and be the same
And this is for the ones who have lost it all and all that's left to gain
Is a simple reminder that the things that were blind to slip away

How can I say
Say I'll be okay

And if I fall through these days that go by without cause
Just a painful mistake has left me here on my own
And if I fall through these nights I can't seem to go on
Just a sign that you're with me gives me the strength to hold on

Now that the line's been broken
I'm too afraid to just look back
The pages have left an empty space
One life is all we have
Why does it have to be this way
These things they'll never change
Still I'm left with knowing, I can be content and happy, this is all I need

And if I fall through these days that go by without cause
Just a painful mistake has left me here on my own
And if I fall through these nights I can't seem to go on
Just a sign that you're with me gives me the strength to hold on

And if I fall through these days that go by without cause
Just a painful mistake has left me here on my own
And if I fall through these nights I can't seem to go on
Just a sign that you're with me gives me the strength to hold on

So lately I've been feeling like I can't do anything right and no one really cares about me and my problems. The thing is I know that I have people in my life that care about me I know it. So I don't know why I always feel so alone in everything.

My family is so fucked up.
Nothing ever goes right.
Chase is gone.
I have a feeling Amy is just going to be another person that I put all of me into and get nothing back.
We're not having Christmas.
No decorations.
No tree.
No presents
Dads just going to give me and Mike money.

Whats ironic about that.. it seems like my family, we fight all year but at Christmas it all comes together. All the fighting ceases. Me and Mike get along. Dad has a big smile on his face. Gram tolerates Amy. Everything that usually sucks ends and even if it only lasts for a little while its my favorite time of the year. Not because of the food or the presents, but because its the only time of the year I get to be honestly happy with my family. Spend time with them without the fighting and the crying. This year were just going to skip right over all of that.

That really doesn't give me much hope for the new year.
I don't have much hope for anything these days.
It hurts to hope.
Someone always lets you down.
Something bad is always going to happen.
Thats the way my life works.
Always has and I'm begining to think it always will.

I'll update again sometime...

can I ask you a question please, promise you won't laugh at me....

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 20:47:58 GMT

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ok I just needed to get that out.

Life = Frusterating.

..and I'm rather sick of it. Sick of it being frusterating that is.

I honestly just want to start over. Clean slate you know?
all the things that are in the past..
I just want them to actully be in the past.

Somehow I don't think that will ever happen.

People don't drop things or forget.
and thats really what I want.
People to forget things.

On the other hand, I have amazing friends.
Shannon and I went to wal-mart last night.
Then we ventured to Wendy's.
We visited Autumn too!!

Shannon and I always have the best chats.
We talk about anything and everything.

I came home.
Talked to Autumn of course.
Then got some sleep.

Today was rather.. annoying?
I guess thats the word I'm looking for.
I didn't feel into anything.

Tonights the Choir Concert.
I would say I'm so excited.
But I'm not really.

I don't like most of the songs.
I don't like most of the people in Choir.
and the solo's yeah..
I don't know, I'm just not excited about it.

I love Choir and I love to sing.
I only have it 2 days a week though.
Its just not the same this year.

MANDY WASN'T IN SCHOOL!!
I missed her a lot.
AND
I love her a lot.

Autumn and I have a mission ;)

hehe welp I better go deal with my frusterating family and get ready to sing!
I'll update again soon!!

many different roads to choose, searching for the strength to make it through....

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 23:51:29 GMT

The road is long it twists and turns
But everything in life you live and learn
No one ever said that life was easy or that all in love is fair
But look inside your heart you?ll find the answer waiting there

If you ever lose your way
You don?t have to be afraid
Look inside to find a friend
Who?ll be with you ?til the end
Many different roads to choose
Searching for the strength to make it through
But it was always there in you

~~Hopes can fail and dreams can fade~~
Rain can fall down on your big parade
Maybe love will take your heart or break your heart
There are ~~no guarantees~~
But love will always find you when you just believe

If you ever lose your way
You don?t have to be afraid
Look inside to find a friend
Who?ll be with you ?til the end
Many different roads to choose
Searching for the strength to make it through
But it was always there in you

The strength you?re longing to find
You know it?s true
It was there all the time
If you stand stronger, work harder, reach for the sky
I know you will eventually fly

If you ever lose your way
You don?t have to be afraid
Look inside to find a friend
Who?ll be with you ?til the end
Many different roads to choose
Searching for the strength to make it through
But it was always there
It was always there
It was always there... in you.

Ok.
If you have yet to see Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants...
SEE IT!
and if you haven't listened to the soundtrack...
DO IT!
Sorry I just like the songs and that movie a whole lot.

I don't really want to try and write in here everything I'm feeling
Or all the bad memories the past few days have dug up
Or all the things and people I truely am sick of.

Actully I just want it to be a new year.
I want to start something new.
I guess I tend to think something new means something better.

Usually thats not the case but I don't see how '06 could be worse than '05.
I mean sure I've had good times.
and as my latest anonymous buddy pointed out
people are worse off than me

BUT!
If your going to tell me about my feelings.
You better know me.
Because I don't open myself to many people.

Chances are you've known me my whole life and really know nothing about me.
Thats the way I like it.
You don't open up to people and they can't use that to hurt you later.

Analogy time Autumn!
It's kind of like this.
I see my life as a movie.
And sometimes...
Well sometimes things suck so bad
I just wanna take my movie out and put a new one in.
Or like rewind and record over some spots.

I don't know that I want to change things.
I try not to have regrets.
I just want to block somethings out.

Everything that happened to me in my life made me who I am.
I don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing..
I've been pretty ok with it.

I wish I wasn't sad all the time.
I wish I didn't constantly cry to my friends.

I like smiling.
I've actully been doing it more and more lately.

I'm scared about a lot of things.
Who I am.
What I know.
Who I'm going to end up being.
What I have to do to get there.

I think I want to be nieve
so sometimes I just am.

I don't like to think about the world
and all its bad sides.

ok ok I'm done this was sad and depressing enough.

Lets end on a happier note.

I love my amazing friends for being the ones the will never let me down.
I'm glad I have them to help me get through the rain.
I know they'll still be standing with me in the end.
When I'm staring at "one hell of a rainbow!" right MandyMarie?!

Thanks for being awsome friends guys!

you promise me that I'll get through it and do something right for once....

Thu, 01 Dec 2005 22:07:33 GMT

So it's definatly been an interesting couple of days.

I don't want to get into the details.
They're rather personal.

I just think everyone in the world should have at least 1 friend like mine.
and and and I'm real lucky cause I have a bunch of them.
They really are amazing.

CaseyWilliamRyan.
I've never had anyone care about me as much as you do.
I'm so glad I have that.
Your one of the most caring people I have ever met.
and I don't know where I would be without you.
Thanks for being the best husband ever..:)
I love you.

AutumnKellyMarrie
I don't even know where to begin.
You really are my best friend.
I guess in a weird way you always have been.
Come on you know we were destined to find each other.
I was so mad at my grandma for making me be you friend.
Now, I'm just glad your grandma was making you be mine too.
Thanks for being just.. you.
I love you.

KaitlynnMarieSwartz
You never cease to amaze me.
You can make me smile on the worst day.
You don't think your good enough.
You'll learn that you are.
Because of people like you I am me.
and your the most amazing girlfriend ever!!
People should be so jealous.
I love you angel!

KristiSuePisarcik
YOUR AWSOME.
I love you a bunch.
We've always had this weird reletionship.
We fight a lot.
But whenever we do I always know were going to be friends again.
Your someone who I can go a year without talking to.
Then randomly call and you'll always care.
Your just that amazing. Thanks.

MandyMarieNagy
You can make me feel better just by hugging me.
Whats funny about that is whenever I'm sad you know.
And you hug me.
Me and you go way back.
You were there for me even then.
When we were being tourtured.
haha I'd be lost without you my wife.
I love you.
and I'll always be your teddy bear.

There are so many other people I could thank. I'm serious. My friends are the most incredible people ever and I am ok.. because of them.

{EDIT}
Sorry my dad came home and I didn't get to finish.. so I'll do that now.

There are only a few people that are going to understand this and thats really ok. I would have never have done it on my own. I'm glad I have people that forced me to see what was really wrong. They helped me face my fears, get over my stubborness and let my gaurd down.. at least a little and for that I'll always thank them and love them very much.

Then there was of course the people that made everything that happened yesterday ok.
I mentioned Kristi, Kaitlynn and Mandy already but a few others really helped me out.

MyPsyciatrist.
haha seriously you were the first person I wanted to talk to.
I always want to turn to you.
I'm just really glad and really lucky that you always help.
Something funny or something smart is always coming out of your mouth.
and I'm so glad.
I don't know what I would do without you.
haha oh yes I do;)
How ironic.

KyleWebsterLindey.
How could you even think I forgot about you.
You aren't and will never be off my list.
I love you Cookies.
Your always there with words of encouragement.
You make me feel like I can accomplish anything.
You always have.
You truly are one of the best people I have ever met.
I sincerly mean that.
I love you Kyle.

You all are the best thing that has ever came into my life. I could list more and more but I know this entry would go on forever because there really are so many more people I could talk about.

AlexanderMackenzie.
ShannonRobert.
NicoleJean.
JenniferMarie.
plus some still...

I may not have the best family ever but I have the best friends ever and they'll always be more than a family to me.

hehehhehehehehehhehehehehe....

Sat, 26 Nov 2005 18:49:21 GMT

oh oh oh and I was juuust kidding about the whole Kaitlynn dying thing!!

She's like the best girlfriend ever!!

You know your jealous ;)

hehe <3 you KaitlynnMarie..
even when you rape Alex and not me all night hahaha!

:D

arts and crafts is all I need I'll take calligraphy and then I'll make a fake degree....

Sat, 26 Nov 2005 18:42:46 GMT

Ok so yesterday = AMAZING!!!

I definatly have the best friends ever haha!
They never cease to amaze me.

The plan was to get up about 9 and do breakfast with Alex.
BUT... I ended up waking up about 10 and me and Alex left here at 11.
Went and kiddnapped Autumn.
Then Jordan.

Went to eatnpark!!!
Autumn and Alex got a divorce and fought about the kids and the house.
Then there was the creamer.. ha lets not go there.

We left there and went to get movies for the first offical movie night since summer.
House of Wax
The Ring 2
Fear.Com

We left there and went to the mall.
Ran into lots of people.
Got hot chocolate :)
Dude without Alex I'd be dead
he saved me from the truck
cause I was waaaay too caught up in licking my whip cream
haha ;)

After the mall we went to see NICOLEY!!
Her house is slanted.
She had muffins:)
Alex was pretty happy.

We left there and came here
Alex took Autumn home and went to do some junk
me and Jordan hung out
talked about a lot of random things
worked real hard on a birthday card hehe
I <3 that boy a lot.

DAD AND MICHAEL LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TILL TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ME AND AMY CAN STAY SANE THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The crew slowly but surely all appeared.
got ambushed with snow/ice
took Jordan home with Shannon and Alex
came back here
made Kaitlynn think we actully DIDN'T have her phone
ACTULLY TOLD A LIE!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Kyle came.
I smiled
so did Autumn!!!!

Kristi got here.
Stripped.
In front of everyone haha.

Food run.
Taco Bell for Shannon.
McDonalds for me and Shannon.
My food took forever.
Shannon had to pee.
He thought about peeing in the snow.
but he didn't
Played hacky sack in the parking lot.
Went to Dunkin Donuts to meet up with Autumn, Kyle and Kaitlynn.

Stopped at Shop n Save
got MORE adrenaline rush.
haha didn't need it.. TRUST ME.

Came back here
watched House of Wax
did the pancake time tradition @ 2

laughed
about Santa?
talked
found out Kristi wants a penis
smiled
had sooo much fun.

Then went insane
haha I sware I was going to kill Shannon
HE LOST HIS MIND!!

My solution
tie him up
I got the rope
I didn't tie him up though
Alex and I tied him into the bathroom

he got out :O
I screamed.. REAL LOUD! :D

Eventully at like 7 we all were asleep

it was a real great movie night haha I love my friends and I couldn't ask for better... well you know except when the go insane.

Shannon don't even try and sleep on the damn table..
GOD!!
Oh god the ice...
don't freaking tickle me!!!
YOU BROKE IT.. great Shannon now what am I supposed to do with that GOD!!
Lucifer
Terrell
:)
Francis
God
...there is waaaaay too much raping
you can't rape the willing :P
I JUST WANT MY PILLOW AND BLANKET and to go to sleep!!
FABIO!!!!!!!!!!!
hehe you wish you knew ;)

oh and my pants were only down cause thats what people wanted ;) hehe!! 0:)

Alex and Kaitlynn are still here... well Alex is.. I think Kaitlynn died! :(

OH WELL!!

Plus I need to make Bri his birthday dinner. haha HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIAN!!

I'll update again soon!!

when everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know your alive....

Sat, 26 Nov 2005 09:57:34 GMT

....so its almost five.
I don't think she's coming home.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO?!?!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
how am I supposed to explain this one to dad.

She has a problem.
She needs to get it fixed.

Too bad she won't admit theres something wrong.

...the only good thing about my life right now is my amazing friends, who are in the other room so I better go sleep with haha.

oh oh oh and Jordan cause he makes me smile.. a lot haha!

ah well I'll update soon and let you know how life goes from here.

cause I've been locked inside this house, all the while you hold the key....

Fri, 25 Nov 2005 05:30:56 GMT

Skipped school wednesday.
Babysat Cade.
He's way too cute.
However, he beat me up
and outsmarted me all day.
Did I mention he peed on me?!
THATS RIGHT!!
He peed on me.
I was soooo NOT happy haha.
But it was fun too.
I never get to spend time with him.

So turkey day was TOO terrible.
It could have been worse.
Much worse.
I was rather relieved.
I didn't want any more disfunctionalness than I normally have.
Glad to see it didn't occur too much.

I can't believe dad had me make muffins at freaking 12.
He's so weird.
I can't believe Alex brought me a muffin pan at 12.
In the FREEZING cold haha.
Thats the mark of a real friend.
One that will bring you a muffin pan at odd hour in the cold, and no ask questions. haha.

Speaking of my friends that I love, tomorrow is movie night.
I'm real pumped.
It's at my house this week.
Kristi Sue is coming :)
Jordan might too :D
and you know what Cookies is in town!!!
I couldn't be happier.
I love my friends. I really really do.

I talked to Kristi Sue forever tonight. We talked about everything. I felt real good to talk to an old friend. Her and I have been through so much I know that we'll never not be friends. We talked about that tonight, amoung other things. I'm just glad shes trying to hang out with us again. Hopefully this time will sit better with her. I told her she won't stop smiliing. Movie Night guareentee! :) <3 movie night is my life haha.

..and speaking of my life. I'm so glad Kaitlynn is a part of it. I love that girl to death. She amazes me everyday. I couldn't ask for a better girlfriend ;)

Oh Oh Oh and Autumn is the BEST best friend haha I love her MUCHO!!

Thanksgiving made me want to give thanks for my amazing friends.. what can I say?! haha. Seriously I'm so lucky, they're all awsome.

I miss my Kari Mae and I love her a lot.
I <3 my Jordan a lot...and I know that he doesn't suck at life haha<3
Shannon always ALWAYS makes me laugh again.
Casey.. ha Casey is simply the greatest.
Mandy makes me a happier person, she's always trying.
I already spoke of Alex, Kristi, Autumn, and Kaitlynn.
I absolutely love my Nicoley.
My Cookies makes me smile, no matter what.
Brian is a real sweetheart.. that has a birthday coming up :)
I miss my Jessie and my Shaners AND I love them a lot.
Plus I have TWO Jennifer's and they both.. BOTH rock my socks ;)

I'm sweet. My friends are cooler than life. Be jealous. ..you know you are!! ;)

Oh Oh Oh and |ps| baby all I want for Christmas is you*hehe

brings summer mornings to remember to kiss the ones you leave behind....

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 00:43:22 GMT

So today was kinda shitty..
I don't really know why.
Nothing really happened to me.. well other than the normal.
You know. Yelling and screaming.

But its people.. people make me so angry. I can't take it anymore. Honestly I didn't think it was possible for me to dislike the human race anymore.. but today proved me wrong. Thank god for the break ugh!

and thank god for my friends. I have the best a girl could ask for. I don't know what I would do without any of them.

HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY!!
Mandy asking me to marry her in lunch. hahaha I love that girl bunches and bunches.

plus I <3 Jordan haha!!

AND |ps| Kaitlynn I love you more than life. You'll always be the best girlfriend ever!!

WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 00:02:54 GMT

Girls this is the enemy!! Justin Cale Johnson!!

ATTENTION!!
Any girl that has come into contact with this DOUCHE BAG!!

I know its not a pretty sight but I had to post it.
Let me just warn every girl out there..

This may look like just your average funny looking freak
BUT!!
Looks can be decieving.
His certianly are.

He's a sweet talker girls and he knows how to lie his way into your life.
Once he's there he appears to be great just long enough to rope you in.
When he knows he's got you his fun will begin.

He plays games.
Thats what he enjoys the most I think.
Playing games.

He'll get inside your head.
He'll make you think he loves you and really cares about you
when in reality he's probably just cheating on you.

If he's not cheating on you chances are he's trying
the problem is no one has taken the offer yet.

He's not nice.
Don't let him fool you.
He lies all the time.
He makes up stories for different girls.
He usually has 2 or 3 going at a time.

This boy is not capable of loving anyone.
He doesn't know what love is.

He's screwed with my life for way too long.
Not only dragging me back into his twisted circle again and again
but also causing fights between me and my friends
and threatening to beat up every guy I ever have intrest in.

He'll sit there and says he doesn't give a damn
but he tries to ruin your life.

I wasted a year and a half of my life on this loser.
I'm just here to make sure no one else makes the same mistake.

Be careful, he can talk his way out of anything
or into anything
and he always makes it seem like its your fault.

I've realized I can do so much better.
All of you can too.
This boy is destined to end up sad and alone.
He deserves no one.

Don't be fooled girls.
He's an ass.
Plain and simple.

~*~*~*~Thanks for the idea Amy~*~*~*~

I'm getting into you, because you got to me in a way words can't describe....

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 02:57:28 GMT

My family is home.
Chaos has returned.
Ugh!
I looooove having the house to myself.

Sooooo Jordan came over today.
We hung out.
Watched most of Red Dragon.
It was a good time.

Life has a funny way of working out. You never really know whats going to happen until it does and usually your too afraid to get hurt or too scared your going to hurt someone else to say what you need to say or do what you need to do. I hate that. I wish I could just say what I wanted, no consequence involved. I'll never be able to do that though. I'm not strong enough or mean enough. Sometimes thats my biggest downfall.

I love my friends though. I'd be a complete mess without them.

..I think I'm just going to stick with my girlfriend haha who needs boys anyways. hahaha I loove you Kaitlynn Marie.

ohohohoh and my wife haha love you Mandy!

I'm going to go think about the world and why it seems to hate me so haha. I'll update again soon.

I would tame the stars and save the brightest one for you....

Sun, 20 Nov 2005 05:19:59 GMT

This week has gone rather quickly
and you know it actully hasn't been too bad.

I got to see Jordan 2 times!!
Alex took me over his house wednesday
we fought in the leaves
I totally won
he knows it
but he won't admit it haha
his neices are really cute
and they like me better than they like him
hahaha they helped me win ;)

Then thursday me Alex and Autumn picked him up from school
we went back to Alex's
Shannon came over
we hung out
laughed
were sweet
you know what we usually do
Me and Alex took Jordan home
we went real fast
then we met the kids at Autumn's
me and Autumn switched partners
and then we went to sheetz
Alex and Autumn almost died
hahaha oops
but they won
cause they cheated.. losers
we hung out a bit longer
and then all went home.

Friday was the game
it was our last
we lost
to Kennedy..
it was heartbreaking
and I about froze to death
despite my 18 trillion layers
they only good thing
I got to see Betsy
and Kari
we had a mad orgy to stay warm
it was a good time

Went to Dunkin Donuts
came back to Alex's as usual
Autumn went home
we followed
we ended up sleeping at Autumn's
Shannon is abusive

This morning me Kaitlynn and Shannon
went to see Harry Potter
it was amazing
even though I cried
oh and Shannon
there's a wall there babe
haha

I came home and took a nap
I was so tired
now I'm home all alone
and quite content

thats all I have to say for now
I'll update again soon.

|ps| to all my completely amazing friends.. I love you all more than life. I don't know what I would do without any of you. We might be insane but I wouldn't have it any other way!

and this week the trend is to not wake up until three pm....

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 03:16:28 GMT

AngelLover1117: ooh, and I forgot to tell you
AngelLover1117: *points to self*
AngelLover1117: *draws heart on chest*
AngelLover1117: *points to amanda*
AngelLover1117: *makes X with fingers*
AngelLover1117: *holds up one finger*
AngelLover1117: *makes crazy hand gestures and starts foaming at the mouth*
AngelLover1117: *makes a decimal point with finger*
AngelLover1117: *holds up three fingers*

then there's people like that who just make me wanna smile forever!!

I LOVE YOU MANDY!!

and I so hate consequences, running from you is what my best defense is....

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 02:32:17 GMT

Soo things have been a little out of sorts
at least in my mind/world
but I got it under control
I think

People help me see things about myself
things I never knew
turns out I am good enough
and I deserve friends
who would have thought

The rest of the week was
well decent
people anger me
people and their immaturity
oh well

I have these amazing people
I call them my friends
actully I went out with them last night
and we had a blast

Shannon, Autumn, Jen, Alex, Brian and I went to see Saw II
dude I was scared
but it was sooooooooo good
free popcorn haha
I love Jen!! (jen how do you like that your in here)

We went to Applebees for food
KariMae and Betsy met us there :D
I was excited
Betsy ran and jumped on me
I miss/love them a lot

We went to Walmart after the food
that was umm interesting haha
then Shannon and I took Betsy and Kari home
then Shannon took me home
it was a good night

I love my friends a lot
they make life less complicated
and a lot more fun

Today was the game
Casey's mommy gave me a hug
she made me smile
and we won
cause we simply kick ass

Autumn came to Mike's game with me :D
Midgets took second
but thats better than third
all the little boys cried
it made me wanna cry too

Now I'm home
and tired
and I have NO voice
but thats ok

I'm going to go and call my baby
and do some homework
yes I said homework
hehe I'll update again sooon!

|ps| I'm not allowed to apologize so I'll say this.. I'm gonna try and be better..

oh and |pps| I LOVE MANDY MARIE NAGY x1*squiggly lines*.3 :D

who I am hates who I've been and who I am will take the second chance it gave me....

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 03:02:01 GMT

Today wasn't bad
I guess it could have been better
IF
there wasn't so much on my mind

Kari and I had a long chat last night
it reminded me of the old days
gooood times
however
it also made me think

I'm sick of putting all of me out there
and getting nothing in return

Thats really selfish
but
I don't really know what to do about that

Some people are really gay
and some people are really sweet
you just have to have more sweet
and less gay

I had job interveiws
they went well

Alex and I went out
got a cellphone that works turned on
ate dinner
visited Autumn
killed Superman
you know
the usual

oh well thats about it.. now I'm talking to Kari Mae and being a good little grasshopper and waiting for my Autumn to tell me why I'm being thanked.

|ps| ATTENTION WHOLE ENTIRE SCHOOL!

Autumn was in Alex's pants tonight
then she pulled them down
think I'm kidding
I'm not
I pulled the covers over my head
I uncovered
and
Alex was pulling up his pants
and
Autumn was walking away

hehe :)

I LOVE MY FRIENDS!

and this week the trend, is to backstab every single one of your friends....

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 01:10:29 GMT

Sooooo its been forever since I've done like a real update
and so much has happened in that time
it would take me soooo long to write about it
therefore I'll highlight

I saw two good movies
Waiting... w/ ShannonRobert
AND
In Her Shoes w/ MandyMarie
both were just as good as the company
I enjoyed myself

Shannon and I christened his new vehicle ;)
and then he wrecked :(
but he's ok :)
and thats what matters :D

Football games rock my socks like woah
and our team is now in the play offs
cause we so kick ass

Me and Allison are no longer speaking
don't ask me what I did
I don't really think I could tell you
if thats how things have to be
so be it
Justin's in on it too
and Kristina as well
oh weeeelll

I'm always right
Kaitlynn and Autumn now know that

Speaking of them
I love my friends
they seriously kick ass

Casey makes me smile even when I don't want to
he sticks up for me
he knows who I am
I trust him more than I've ever trusted anyone

Autumn just has this way of making me forget
my age
that problems exist
that there are bad people in the world
she smiles
and its all better
plus
I can have the best conversations with her
we always do

Kaitlynn makes me feel like I can do anything
sometimes I wonder if I really am someone she should look up to
I'm not that great
but she thinks I am
she believes in me
and stands behind me
no matter what
and I love her to death
she really is like my baby sister
she reminds me of me
and thats scary sometimes
but I'll always be here for her no matter what

Shannon just makes me laugh
he's great for a hug
he makes me feel safe and loved

Kari is always there
even if its been awhile
she's someone I can always count on

Jenn is so strong
she makes me real happy
I don't know how I let her slip away
were no as close
but she's the icon of a good friend
always there when you need someone
to protect you
and help you through
I love her for that

Alex is like the older brother I never had
he's always ready to back me up
he supports me no matter what
I adore him

Thats just a few
there are others too

I have the greatest people in my life
its a good thing too cause sometimes
I fall
but you know what
thats ok
they'll pick me back up
the true ones always do
and always will

Other than that..

Invitation only parties at Alex's are fun beyond belief
even though I get tickled grrr
its non stop laughing
and I love it

"Just call and hang up." _Autumn
"You can't do that!" _Me
"They'll never know, they're Chinese." _Autumn

haha wow good times let me tell you

if you were sweet enough to be invited
you know

if you weren't
good thing you didn't try and come
Tony the bouncer would have totally kick you out

Schools a bit stressing
but I deal

Some people are really gay
but some rock my world
and I love it
like Jenn who made my life today
and of course my 11 year old girlfriend

you know when the day is over I think
and I have something a lot of people don't
A loving family
A caring husband
an amazing girlfriend
an outstanding bestfriend
the best father of my children I could ask for
a protective big brother
and bunches of other incredible friends

I'm lucky
your jealouss
it happens

this is getting so long
I should go
before no one wants to read it hehe

I'll update more I promise!

|ps| Trick-or-Treating is REAL sweet specially with cool people!! Hecks yes!

If the burden seems too much to bare, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there....

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 03:50:17 GMT

I'm good at pretending right?

...well I used to be :/

theres bubblegum in the babies hair, sweet potatos in my lazy chair....

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 21:42:54 GMT

People are getting on my nerves.

*people get mad over stupid things
*people think to little of themselves
*people make snap judgements
*people spread rumors
*people listen to rumors
*people talk about there "friends"
*people pretend to be depressed
*people are fake
*people are really big whores
*people lie
*people are sooo two faced

GUESS WHAT I'M SICK OF IT!

|ps| Everyones done this so I want to too!

LEAVE YOUR NAME! and...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.

past the point of no return, no backward glances....

Sun, 16 Oct 2005 06:51:09 GMT

So we won friday! Woo! Ended up going to Denny's with a bunch of people but most importantly My Cookies whom I missed oh so very much. For someone that just lives under my computer I see so little of him. Kaitlynn and Autumn spent the night as usual. I was feeling better.. and then I ate.. and then I felt crappy so I fell asleep.

Today was just a day to cry. I don't know what the hell my problem is. I watched Armagedon and I cried, thats not unuaual, however I continued to cry an hour after it was over. I think too much, about too many things.

I NEED to stop..

and if anyone comments and says good luck with that I'll kill them.. you think I'm kidding.

On a lighter note, Autumn came and got me, Trish and Kaitlynn came over. We watched Phantom, it was they're first time and it was real funny to watch them watch the movie. Trish left and we watched the Notebook and I bawled again. Movie always makes me cry.

I'm still at Autumn's but everyone fell asleep and I can't. I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head and I feel like I have no one I can bounce them off of. I'm so worried and scared and confused and sad and happy and excited and AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm feeling too many things at once I can't take it, I don't know how to take it. Well I better go try and sleep. I'll figure something out.. maybe. I'll update again soon.

and I can't help myself, I don't want anyone else....

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 01:53:08 GMT

So I kept throwing up.. like everything I ate, so I stopped trying to eat. I drank water and a lot of it, however you can't live on water. My sugar got really low and I started shaking, I was really really cold and every part of my body just hurt. I felt so awful I started to cry when I was talking to Autumn. I talked to Casey, he took my mind off of it all for a little while but shortly after I hung up with him I threw up again. I tried to sleep. I woke up 2 or 3 times and didn't throw up. Sometime around 3 I woke up, accidently woke my daddy up cause I was loud, I was shaking really bad and I was so cold my teeth were chattering. My dad thought it best we pay a visit to the ER. I was there until about 5, all they did was put me on an IV and get something in me then send me home.

I came home and went to sleep for a little bit. I got up to go to school but I was seriously lacking in sleep and I was still shaky and real cold so I did as Casey said and just went in to get my assignments. Ms. W. yelled at me and Ms. Davis told me to go home and get some rest. Well they're all pretty smart people so I took their advice. I came home and I slept until like 1:30. I got up, took a shower and did my work.

Mandy is the coolest person ever cause she offered to bring me the football game, band and all if I couldn't make it to the game. I hope it doesn't come to that cause I wannnnnnna go. haha! But thank you Mandy your the best!

Later on Autumn came over to "help me with my Physics" aka eat my freaking Oreos.. ah yet another thing she uses me for haha. I loooooove my Autumn Hunnie.

Family drama.. grrr haha Autumn work on those papers babe haha! What would I do without you?!

I love my friends.

I'm feeling a lot better than I did yesterday and I managed to eat something for the first time in 32 hours and wouldn't you know it I haven't thrown it up yet haha. Lets all hope for my sanity I don't.

Well I still have a few Phyics problems and they'res nightly chats to be had so I better go. I'll update again soon.

could you be mine, would you be mine, won't you be my neighbor....

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 15:28:05 GMT

So I had a really bad day yesterday. I forgot my Ap and my Spanish stuff at home, I did all my Physics problems wrong and I felt like crap all day and when I got home from school I threw up like 4 times, I fell asleep really early and I woke up several times throughout the night and paid a visit to my bathroom. Eventully I got tired of getting out of bed and at one point I believe I fell asleep on the bathroom floor. At 6 I woke my father up for the third time on accident and he demanded I get back in bed and stay home, I wasn't going to argue with good sense so I did. I slept until like 9, then I got up and made a doctors appointment. The doctor sure did me a lot of good, "go home, try and eat something, rest, drink lots of liquids and if your still throwing up tommorrow come back." Grrrrr I hate going to the doctors. I usually hate missing school too but today I didn't mind. I felt awful. I missed the PSATs though. Other than that nothing exciting is happening.

I miss Al. She's been gone for what 2 days and I'm bored haha. What can I say life just isn't as interesting without Allison around.

Casey has a crush on my voicemail. If you don't believe me I have proof, he was hitting on it last night when I fell asleep before our nightly chat. Sorry Case I really didn't mean to fall asleep but I felt like crap.

Autumn... I'm always right! when are you going to learn that I am never ~~wrong~~ hahaha I looooooove you and I have to say it! I TOLD YOU SO

Well thats about all I have. I think I'm going to go lay down and finish watching Mr. Rodger's...whose bright idea was it to take Dawson's Creek off :( I'll kill them. Oh well, I'll update again soon!